oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
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