theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
