good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
