wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
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