I showed him my bush... on skype.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
