I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Dicks are not precious.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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