I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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