I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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