Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Randomize
