New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Randomize
