It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Randomize
