if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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