easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I enjoy the company of your penis
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
