we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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