I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I deserve this hangover.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
