Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
