I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
