Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
