I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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