I think I died a long time ago.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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