remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
