someone threw a dead crab at me
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
