my phone needs a breathalizer
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
