i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.