i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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