At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
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