she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
