I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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