there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
