If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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