I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
