I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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