So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
