dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
