You just made me feel so damn special
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
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If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
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It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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