It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
