i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
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Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
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i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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