My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
