so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
