OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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