no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
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