I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
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