WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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