now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
