god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
