with your own penis?
I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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