omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
