Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
