it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
