just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
