we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
