Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
