I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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