New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
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