i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
